Enough is enough. Samuel L. Jackson has had it with Alzheimer’s disease. With the help of the the Reddit community, Jackson has raised more than $131,000 on the crowdfunding website Prizeo. To drum up publicity for the fund, Jackson wrote a post asking Reddit users to submit a 300-word monologue for him to read with his “gift of an incredibly intimidating voice.”
And we have a winner.
“Look what we’ve done for Alzheimer’s. Let’s f-ck this disease up!” Jackson yells in aYouTube video announcement before launching into the winning monologue.
In the monologue, Jackson makes the (joke) announcement that he will quit acting to pursue his vigilante dreams, using only his voice to intimidate criminals by saying things like: “Excuse me, young hoodlum? Look at me! I’m Samuel L. Jackson, b–ch. You really think you’re going to get away with this?”
“My new life of crime-fighting won’t be easy, my friends, but I suppose nothing worth doing really ever is,” he continues dramatically. “My hope is to leave this very dark world just a little brighter than when I found it before my time is through.” Like most crowdfunding sites, those who make a donation to the Prizeo campaign are offered an incentive. One lucky donator and a friend will win a weekend with Jackson in the U.K. at the Shooting Stars Benefit 2013 for the Alzheimer’s Association. The prize includes an exclusive lunch with the Snakes on a Plane star.
“Alzheimer’s is a cause that’s particularly close to my heart, as unfortunately it’s a disease that’s affected my family,” Jackson writes on the Prizeo site. “Please help me bring an end to it so no one else need suffer it.”
Hi, I’m Samuel L. Jackson. I’m sorry to disappoint you, Reddit, but I’ve decided to break the rules of my own competition, and I will not be reading a user-submitted entry as my monologue. Instead, I’d like to speak to you all from my own heart, in my own words; honestly and openly. I’ve been waiting to reveal something for a long, long, time and … well, here it is: I am quitting acting and pursuing a life of vigilantism. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sam, Jack, you are one bad motherf–ker when it comes to the fine art of thespianism.” And you know what? You’re right. But it’s time for me to step out of the limelight … and step into the shadows.
I have been given the gift of an incredibly intimidating voice, and I intend to use it to strike fear into the scum that plague our good streets. Listen to this: “Hey! You! Motherf–ker! Stop doing all that crime!” You see? Who wouldn’t stop after that? How about this one: “Yo! Knock that motherf–king crime-doing off!” And of course there’s: “Excuse me, young hoodlum? Look at me! I’m Samuel L. Jackson, b–ch. You really think you’re going to get away with this?”
My new life of crime-fighting won’t be easy, my friends, but I suppose nothing worth doing really ever is. My hope is to leave this very dark world just a little brighter than when I found it before my time is through. I hope to save a life. I hope to maybe change one. I hope to make some crime-doing motherf–kers shit themselves in terror upon hearing my scary-ass voice reprimanding them as I charge them in a rage. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.